I have to be honest, I did not see this coming.
But first, I must look back, just one more time.
I have poured my heart and soul into these writings, and podcasts. They have helped me to process and share hope to others, as well as myself.
For a few months now, it has been harder to write. Some of this is because, overall, my life has been quite boring.
There is, even still, a bigger reason.
I am tired of looking back.
For so long my horizon was dark.
I was sick. No one knew why or how to fix it. Family did not believe me. I was slandered.
The strongest man I know, my husband, was scared.
My children were tired.
But the tide has turned.
Appropriate, since of my 17 months of aggressive work on healing, over 3/4 have been spent near the ocean.
The detox is still happening and I keep gaining.
We aren’t really losing anything. At the time of this post, we have been in our hotel room for 50 nights.
The days of throwing out an entire outfit from detox are long gone. Losing a room a night because I can’t walk in it? Far in the rear view mirror.
I am changed. I am different on the cellular level, yes. But my mind takes joyful and peaceful paths.
I am not fully there, but I am beginning to uncover something that I have not known in quite sometime.
Rest.
A few weeks ago I looked at my husband and told him that I wanted to start writing fiction.
This was the beginning of the shift.
I can’t do both. I don’t have the time.
A lot of my life is normal. I wake up and homeschool my boys. I cook for them and sit down and listen to audio books over our meals where we can feast- body and mind.
4 hours a day is dedicated just to detox work and the ability to outpace my family's detox. 2 hours in the hot tub a day. 1-1.5 in exercise in the ocean. During that exercise I listen to audiobooks so that I can feed my mind and soul.
I have 1 hour a day to work. Sometimes a little more on the weekend.
Because I know my vulnerabilities, I sat down and wrote out my mission statement the night before everything changed.
It reads:
I am, first and foremost, a child of Christ and seek to honor Him in all areas of my life.
Everything I do is for the health and building up of my family.
I exercise 1-2 hours a day and hot tub 2 to enable me to nourish, serve and uplift my family.
I look for good recipes that bring feelings of warmth and joy, nourishment and the feeling of "home," despite our location.
I look for ways to encourage my children through their schooling. I look for ways to lift up and encourage my husband.
I desire to create a home of peace, worship, happiness, laughter and rest.
I will write for my enjoyment and the blessing of others, but if it takes away from my primary mission, or becomes more of a focus than is healthy, it will go for the benefit of my husband and children.
I will not go into what changed, it’s not important. But it has become clear that I do not belong here anymore.
While I mourn that, it is a testament to the journey. It is a testament to my coach.
I am not taking this blog down. You can go back and read from it at any time.
This isn’t a “how to. “
For that you will need Simcha MacGregor.
No, if I have done my job well, and I hope I have, this is the inspiration.
I will keep working. I will keep focused on my journey and mission.
But now it’s time to tell some new stories.
Thank you again for reading. If you had signed up my premium newsletter, your money will be refunded.
So happy for you! I will miss seeing your posts but I wish you great success in the future with your new endeavors. Continued prayers in all that you will do!
Dearest Canary- My healing journey has been similar to yours in a lot of ways. The strength, resilience & love that continue to expand within your mind, body & soul have transferred through your words; lifting me up in ways that are hard to describe. Recently, due to chemical fumes, I had to leave my home for 30 days. I didn't know if I would ever be able to return. During that time, your posts felt like a virtual hug; a sign that everything would be ok. I am back home now! You are resilience, faith & love. Your mission statement brought me to tears. Wishing you lots of fun on your new adventure of fictional writing. We are here if and when you want to share any of it. Sending so much love and grace to your sweet family this holiday season and always! In Reverence, Sarah 💜